The day I met my online mums group in person

By Felicity Frankish

As I sat on the plane with Cassie in my lap, I was a bundle of nerves. Not only was it Cassie’s first time on a plane (which was nerve-wracking enough in itself), but we were heading to meet some close friends for the first time in person.

It all started about three years ago with some spotting. I didn’t think anything of it, but knew I needed to get it checked out. What happened next still feels like a dream most days. It was Chris and I clenching hands while staring at an ultrasound screen as our obstetrician uttered the words, “I am sorry, there’s no heartbeat”. We were meant to be almost 11 weeks along with our first baby, and with those five words, our world came crashing down around us.

It is hard to imagine or explain the immense pain and sense of loss that comes from losing a baby. You hear everything, from “at least you know you can get pregnant”, “it will happen for you” to “you’ll have a baby soon”. And with those words intended to bring you comfort, you break down just a little bit more. I don’t want another baby, I wanted that one. I don’t care if I can fall pregnant if it means I have to go through this pain again.

Friends and family were there for us with kind words, flowers, food and more. But still, I had never felt so alone. That’s when I found my online tribe. I had been part of a pregnancy group for people due in March 2015, but after our devastating news, it was no longer the place for me to be. Thankfully, there was miscarriage group through the same website, and while I was hesitant at first, I joined and was greeted by a warm and caring bunch of women who knew exactly what I had been through.

It was so easy to talk to them from day 1 – and we shared everything. We started off sharing our stories of loss, and no one’s experience was forgotten or swept under the rug. We cried together, laughed together and remembered our angel babies together, while everyone else around us was getting on with their lives. Friendships began to flourish from that moment.

The talk then changed to trying to conceive again, sharing all our “stick porn” – whether that was ovulation tests or pregnancy tests, we were all there to lend our ‘line eyes’. We all knew where each other was up to in their cycle. We were all there to comfort eat with them when their period arrived, yet again, and we were all there jumping out of our seats when two pink lines showed up.

When it finally happened for me, this brought a whole new set of worries that this group truly understood. The innocence of pregnancy had been swept right out from under me, and since I was spotting from day 1 with Cassie, I was a nervous wreck. They kept me sane. They knew about every appointment and waited eagerly to hear everything was fine, which it was.

The highs and the lows: we went through it all together as our group ‘sadly’ grew. This was when we decided to branch out and create a Facebook group, and I don’t think any of us has ever looked back.

These women have been there for me since day one. I told them things I hadn’t shared with many friends and family, such as when I was being induced with Cassie, when I started trying for number 2, when I was over parenting and losing my cool. Nothing has ever been too much or too far for our group, we were all there to support each other no matter what, without the judgement. When someone in our group was having a hard time, we would come together to buy them something from afar to let them know we were thinking of them. And now it was time to meet them.

Scattered all across Australia, we settled on the Gold Coast for our ‘family’ holiday. I left Chris behind and jumped on a plane with a handful of my Sydney friends, as we went to meet the others. Of course, not everyone could make it (busy with life and their rainbow babies!), but it was a start and there will be plenty more opportunities.

It felt so surreal meeting each and every one of them, putting a face to the name and cuddling their gorgeous rainbow babies with a journey we had followed each step of the way. I know these women will be in my life for good, and they will watch Cassie and her sister grow up through our online world, with plenty more holidays and chances to hug along the way.

I still can’t believe how far we have come in the past few years, and just how amazing our group truly is. Never underestimate the power of friendship – whether it’s online or in person, it can make a world of difference. I know it has for me.

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