How to survive the first six months with a high needs baby

How to survive the first 6 months with a high needs baby by Carol Jones at myboredtoddler.com

If you’ve never heard of the term ‘high needs baby’, the best way to think of it is to imagine an easy, self-soothing, car travel-loving, goes-to-sleep-easily baby … and then imagine the complete opposite.

A high needs baby is not the kind of baby you see on TV or in movies. They’re not the babies that are talked about in prenatal classes. They don’t lie peacefully in the pram, enjoy cuddles with strangers, or ever go to sleep easily in the beautiful bassinet you bought them.

The most used definition of a ‘high needs baby’ is one by Dr Sears. Dr Sears is an expert in this area and has put together the 12 most common features of a high needs baby, which you can find here.

As a survivor of two high needs babies I can tell you that the first six months are tough. So tough. ‘Cry everyday’ kind of tough. It is common for high needs babies to only sleep in short stints, to cry (okay, scream) for a lot of their awake time, and to need to be held most of the time. They often hate car travel, don’t like strangers, and there’s a strong correlation with reflux or silent reflux. With these features, it comes as no surprise that the chances of parents with high needs babies developing postnatal depression or anxiety are extremely high.

For this reason it is really important, if you think your child is high needs, that you make sure that you are getting as much help as you can. While nothing can make this time ‘easy’, there are ways to help you get through this. Some of my top tips are:

1. Seek medical help

If you have a high needs baby there’s a chance they also have reflux or silent reflux. This is not ‘just colic’ and there is medical help available. It’s definitely worth checking out.

2. Understand that this is not your fault

You baby isn’t behaving this way because of anything you are doing or not doing. This is their personality and you are doing the best you can. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

3. Ignore advice from people with ‘easy babies’

This might sound harsh but when you have a difficult baby, hearing hints and tips on how friends (and strangers!) got their child to eat/sleep/travel etc does not help. In fact, it will only make you question your own abilities and make you feel you’re doing everything wrong. They mean well, but you don’t need to listen to them. This applies to baby books as well. Throw them away!

4. Ask for help!

Don’t be too proud to let other people know that you need help. Invite people over, give them the baby and take a nap. If the baby cries all the time, give him to a friend and take a walk. Ask family and friends to bring over cooked meals (it’s really hard to shop or cook with a baby that can’t be put down) or pick up some takeaway for you. Get them to put on laundry for you or vacuum the house. They really will want to help!

5. Don’t be alone

One of the worst things I found as a parent of a high need baby was the loneliness. I rarely went out as my daughter would scream in the pram or the car, and major meltdowns were common even if we did make it somewhere. I also didn’t want to invite people over as she was often crying or distressed and I didn’t think people would enjoy that. This meant that I could go days with little adult contact. In retrospect I should have invited people over – lots of people, all the time. It wouldn’t have been the most pleasant experience for them, but people generally do want to help. Invite people over – at best they can make you a cup of coffee and hold the baby while you drink it.

6. Know that it does get better

I remember someone telling me that you never see a six year old screaming every time they get in the car, and as silly as this sounded it gave me hope. This is a temporary (although it feels like forever) phase and it does get better. People who meet my five-year-old have trouble believing me when I tell them about how she was for that first year – it really does get better.

7. Seek help for yourself

If you are feeling like things are too much, know that there is help out there. Speak to your GP and tell them how you feel. No one will judge you and you are helping your baby so much more if you are in the right head space.

If you have a high needs baby I hope that these tips will help you get through the first six to 12 months. And if you’re reading this and suspect a friend or loved one has a high needs baby, remember that just being there will be a big help for them.

You can – and will – get through this!