Dealing with mum guilt

“Dealing with Mum Guilt” by Fi Morrison at Mumma Morrison.

There are many elements of motherhood that no-one can ever prepare you for, no matter how hard they might try. Things such as the lack of sleep. No amount of words will ever fully prepare you for the torturous – and often long-lasting – sleep deprivation you will endure. Similarly, new mums are ill-equipped to face the copious amounts of poo and vomit they have to deal with. And yet, somehow despite it all, us mothers eventually become accustomed to these things and deal with them in our day-to-day lives.

But then there are other elements of motherhood that completely blindside you, as though no mother has ever experienced it before and forgot to share it with the world. One of those aspects is the dreaded mum guilt. It is something I never even heard about before I was pregnant (or even while I was pregnant), and yet as a mother I can go and speak to any other mother in the world and they will all nod knowingly – guilt is a universal language.

Dealing with Mum Guilt

What is Mum Guilt?

If you haven’t come across the phrase ‘mum guilt’ before, it is used to refer to the feeling of guilt a mother has over any thought, feeling, activity or circumstance surrounding (or not surrounding) her child/ren. This guilty feeling is often self-imposed, although can sometimes be reinforced by the opinions of others (such as the media or, unfortunately, other mums). For example, mothers may feel guilty about the amount of time their child watches television each day. They may feel guilty about the type of food they are feeding their child. Mothers may feel guilty about carting their child around with them all day while they run errands or – goodness knows – they have a coffee break. Heck, I felt guilty this past week for being sick and having my son at home with me all day, everyday (instead of ‘socialising’ with other babies).

Mum guilt is a wretched feeling that is inevitable for almost every mum, and can make becoming a new mother even more tumultuous than it already is. As a new mother myself – and having experienced Postnatal Anxiety – I have experienced mum guilt multiple times (okay – maybe most days!). It is so difficult to work through, and yet once you find ways of coping with it, it is another feeling that you learn to deal with in our day-to-day mum lives.

4 Ways to Deal with Mum Guilt

It has taken me over 10 months to learn, but these are the ways I have learnt to let go of mum guilt (as much as I am able) so I can continue to enjoy my son’s childhood instead of wondering and worrying.

1. Stop Comparing

A quote I have come across numerous times in the past year (since other mums keep sending it to me!) has been “Comparison is the thief of joy” (Eleanor Roosevelt). One sure fire way to dose up on some mum guilt is to start comparing your baby to others. I am the biggest offender. As new mums, we want to know that we are bringing our babies up the right way and doing the right things. That our children will turn out okay. One thing us new mums need to quickly learn is that all babies are unique. They will reach their milestones when they’re good and ready. And if you’re worried, ask your GP – and they will 99.9% of the time tell you the same thing!

2. Connect with your Mum Friends

One of the best medicines I have found for mum guilt is surrounding myself with my mum friends. Why? Because we share our motherhood struggles together, and more often than not, we are all experiencing some sort of mum guilt at the same time. They are in the thick of it just like I am, and can tell me when I’m stressing and worrying over unnecessary things. Plus they’re good for a laugh during these tough times, and isn’t laughter the best medicine?

3. Take 5

“Me Time” is another universal phrase known in the mummasphere, also referred to as self-care. Taking some time out to relax and recuperate can help you put things into perspective. Taking a bath (or long shower), a walk, reading a book or binging on Netflix can help take your mind off the things you’re feeling guilty about, and to just unwind.

4. Spend time with Bub

When I’m flooded with mum guilt. Especially about things like not spending enough time with my son (as a work-at-home mum). I take some extra time to actually spend with my son. We go for a walk; play on the swings at the park; play with some new toys; read together. By doing these things, I am again reminded about what is really important. I’m not thinking about all the other things that are making me feel anxious or guilty. My son can’t crawl yet? I don’t mind. I gain a whole new appreciation for his developing personality and his uniqueness. It reminds me that he’ll get there in his own time.

Getting rid of Mum Guilt

Unfortunately, I don’t think mum guilt will ever go away. I’ve spoken to mothers who have multiple children in their early teens who all still talk about mum guilt. As mothers, we have a natural predisposition to worry about our child/ren. But there are ways to make it less burdensome and less frequent. By sticking with our mum friends, spending time with our bubs, taking 5 and avoiding the comparison game, we can navigate mum guilt. We can work through it, and as new mums, we can enjoy motherhood a whole lot more.

What is your tip for dealing with mum guilt?

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