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There are two types of visitors after you have a baby. The ones who want to hold your little one so you can do housework, and ones who want to do the housework for you so you can hold your baby.
While there’s nothing wrong with either type of visitor (it very much depends on the mum and how she’s recovering), I would have preferred the latter.
For me, those first weeks were an emotional rollercoaster. Breastfeeding was one of the hardest things I’d ever tried to do, and it wasn’t something I was comfortable doing in front of other people. Despite my feelings, I said yes when I wanted to say no. And I smiled and handed over my baby, even though I had that part totally covered.
In the end, I was completely overwhelmed.
I’ve since learned that setting boundaries postpartum – and sticking to them – would have made a huge difference for me.
This is what I wish I did instead.
Recently, a friend sent me an Instagram post from Kelsi, a mum who specialises in postpartum care. The post outlines the boundaries she recommends mums set postpartum. It involves a three-team approach for visitors – and I couldn’t love it more.
First of all, she likes to group her visitors into teams of three. Team one covers weeks 0-3 postpartum, and as Kelsi writes, “These are the people who come and provide postpartum support. They are not guests, they are ‘staff’.
“This can be a family member, dear friend, or a postpartum doula who brings food is prepared to do laundry and tidy up the home. Kitchen and all. They play with older kids and walk the dog.”
The only expectation these people have is to look after mum, and not hold the baby (unless mum asks them to).
“Choose these people wisely,” she says. “They are entering a sacred space where the birth energy is still very much alive and the birthing person is open and vulnerable, physically and emotionally.”
This team comes in weeks 3-6 postpartum. These are the people who you want to come and hold your baby.
“These are the people who will only ask about baby, everything from how they are sleeping to pooping, and will most likely not ask about your birth or how you are,” she writes, adding, “make sure you feel emotionally ready to invite these people into your home.”
Last by not least is team three. These visitors can come after week six (or when you’re ready to leave your bubble).
“These are the people who will get you out of the house, playdates, cafe meetups, postnatal yoga,” says Kelsi.
“These are the people you will start seeing when you feel ready to leave your postpartum cocoon, have established and feel comfortable with feeding and a crying baby in public 💕”
Don’t get me wrong, I was excited for everyone to meet my baby, but there was also a lot of healing and adjusting happening (for all of us), and I wanted it to take place inside my safe little bubble with my baby and my partner.
Next time, (if I’m lucky enough), I will do things differently, and Kelsi’s approach seems like a good place to start.
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