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6 things to try if your child has separation anxiety By Maxabella
My eldest child started high school this year. I still can’t quite believe it.
What I especially can’t believe is how easy the transition from primary school to high school turned out to be. I had been on high-alert for months, worrying about how it would go. My son had separation anxiety all through his early years – right up until about Year 5. So my concerns were justified: would starting high school tip him right back to where we started?
It didn’t. Instead, it brought out a confidence in my boy that made me proud and reassured. He is still a kid with anxiety – he will always be a person with anxiety – but being separated from his parents is no longer something he worries about.
In the early days, I spent countless hours trying to get my child into school. Hours in the classroom. Hours in the principal’s office. Hours sitting in the car out the front or the school. Hours researching what could be done.
My child started cognitive behavioural therapy with a psychologist, and to support his therapy, I found a few techniques that helped us out along the way. These small techniques each had an impact on how my son felt about separating from me. Some worked for a long time, some for a short time, but all are something to try when it feels like there is nothing left to try. Have a go and see if any work for you and your child.
We had a spot where I would pick him up from every afternoon after day care or school or after-school care. Not 20cm away from the spot – on the exact spot. At school it was the cross where four slabs of concrete met each other on the top playground. I would make sure that I was at that exact spot when it was pick up time. Knowing exactly where I would be hours later seemed to help him let go in the morning.
Before saying goodbye, we would ‘rainbow connect’ our hearts. You each place a hand where the other’s heart is and imagine that a rainbow is streaming between your hearts. No matter how far you go, or for how long, the rainbow will keep you connected.
Similar to the rainbow connect, but more visible for younger children, is the idea of ‘hug buttons’. I only recently came across this technique, but I think it’s a winner. Louise Mallett drew a heart on her hand and one on her son’s hand and they ‘charged’ the hearts by holding hands on the walk to school. Whenever her son was feeling anxious throughout the day, all he had to do was press on his heart button to send a hug to his mum. She does the same for him. It is very reassuring for a young child to know that a hug from his mum is right there on his hand.
I love tucking a little note into my kids’ lunch box. It’s such a simple way to let them know that I am thinking of them throughout the day. The love notes worked a treat at getting my son into school some days. I would simply remind him that there was a little message from me to look forward to at recess and he was good to go.
This was a technique our school principal taught us, and it worked well on many days. My son nominated two teachers and two friends who would be his special buddies. If he was having an anxious morning, he could ask any of these buddies to be with him to help him through and they would be there. It’s incredibly powerful to know that there are dedicated allies out there who will be there without judgement or question. In a way, these buddies are there to give the same security of having a parent close by.
This works for babies as well as older kids – leave something of your own with your child when you go. When my son was a baby, I would leave a t-shirt that I had worn for him to snuggle with during nap time. As he got older, the item became more discrete, finishing with a small son that I had ‘infused with mumminess’. He kept the stone in his pocket and could hold it in his hand when he needed a little extra security.
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