Want to stop yelling at your kids? Here’s how

Having kids is a wonderful and rewarding experience, but sometimes they can test your patience. 

So much so that you might sometimes feel overwhelmed and possibly even yell at them (just a tiny bit), from time to time. You’re only human after all.

In our latest Facebook Live chat, we talked to Anna Davis. Anna is a certified conscious parenting coach and emotional intelligence trainer. She says that these triggering moments are important learning experiences for parents. 

“Traditional parenting will have us believe that we are our children’s teachers,” says Anna.

“But when we start to understand that our children are showing us the triggers that we have and where we need to heal, we can start to understand that every time they trigger us, it’s a beautiful opportunity for us to see where we can heal.”

Core wounds

Anna says when parents yell as a reaction to feeling overwhelmed, they’re trying to prevent themselves from feeling something painful. 

“So when we react, we’re protecting ourselves from feeling some sort of core wound that’s happened in our lives somewhere, and that’s all about us,” says Anna. 

“All of us have had core wounds. And we protect ourselves from feeling those.”

Watch the full video interview below.

“There is no trigger on the outside”

So when our children trigger us, the reality is that something about the situation is similar to a past experience, and yelling is a reaction to that (and perhaps not your child). 

“When we understand that, we start to understand that there is no trigger on the outside. And that the triggers always arise from within us,” says Anna. 

We know this because no two people will have the same reaction to a situation. 

“If there’s the same trigger and the two people were acting differently, then the trigger must be within the person who is reacting, not on the outside. And that can be hard,” says Anna. 

“Because often we can say, ‘Oh no, but they were hitting each other or they were yelling at me; that’s what was triggering me.” 

But not everyone will resort to yelling.

“Start to understand what the trigger is”

“[The reactions] start to show us where a parent’s emotional legacy starts showing up in their parenting,” says Anna. 

“When we start to unravel that, we start to understand what the trigger is. And then we can bring that information into the present moment and start to then shift our reactions from yelling to something more connected.”

Which can be easier said than done. Some parents might find they need help discovering and healing your core wounds – and that’s okay too!

“It’s so hard for us to change our behaviour because we have to get to the root of the problem,” says Anna. “And the root of the problem is always the belief system.”

If you or anyone you know is struggling, phone your GP to work out a plan for getting the support you need.

Beyond Blue offers practical advice and resources at beyondblue.org.au. The Beyond Blue Support Service provides short term counselling and referrals by phone and webchat on 1300 22 4636.