We regret sending our daughter to school too early by Maxabella
Every year the call from anxious parents goes out across social media: “Should we send our child to school next year or wait another year?” It’s a massive decision and the only way to solve it is to make sure your child is born in the months August – January. Bit late for most of us, right?
My middle daughter was born in October, and there was no decision to make. Arabella was five-and-four-months old when she started school. Given that the law in most states says that a kid needs to start school before they turn six, there was really no other year to start her. A neat, easy arrangement that required no decision-making on my part whatsoever.
In contrast, both my son and younger daughter were born in the worst possible months of the year, and not just because winter is coming. May-July are the unofficial ‘lost months’ for school starters. Kids born in these months feel too old to ‘hold back’ and start when they are approaching six-years-old and ‘too young’ to send ‘early’ at four-and-a-half. You’ll note that with kids born during these months you are either holding them back or sending them early. There is no ‘just right’ for the May-July kids.
Max is a May baby and started school in late January at five-and-three-quarters. At the time, it was a no-brainer for us. He was having some fine-motor issues that required occupational therapy and he was also a kid with anxiety. It seemed right to give him another year in the quiet, monitored preschool environment, plugging away at writing his name and hanging out with his familiar friends.
We made the decision about when to start Max at big school in 2009 – the year before he started school. We have never given it a moment’s thought again. Not once.
So, when it came time to start our June-baby daughter, why on earth did we elect that she should go to school at four-and-a-half? Every day I kick myself for deciding that was the right thing to do. What were we thinking?
Well, for a start, we were thinking that Lottie was a highly sociable child, mature for her age. She was eager to learn and seemed ‘old’ compared to the rest of the kids at preschool. On the advice of her preschool teachers, we decided that she would be happier in the school environment.
It was seemingly a good call. Lottie has always fitted in well with her peers and enjoyed school life immensely. She has struggled in certain areas with learning, but for the most part she has done fine academically and has always loved learning and loved the classroom environment.
Tick, tick, tick, right? So, why the sad face?
While I’ve never given Max’s ‘late’ start to school a moment’s thought, every single week I wonder if we started Lottie too early.
When she struggled to learn how to read in Kinder and Year 1, we questioned her age. Even though her brother wasn’t reading until late Year 1 either.
When she became highly anxious about going on excursion in Year 2, we questioned her age. Even though both her siblings had the same worries and fears.
Whenever she had a friendship issue, we questioned her age. Even though her siblings had friendship ups and downs all the time as well. Every kid does.
Are the other kids becoming more mature than she is? Are they leaving her behind? Is the workload too much for someone so young? Has she got the emotional maturity to deal with this yet? On and on and on it goes.
The fact is, Lottie’s school days so far are really no different to her peers or to her siblings. She ‘gets it’ sometimes, other times she doesn’t. The only difference is that there is a ‘reason’ for Lottie’s wins and losses. Her age makes her different to her peers and thus her age gives us a smoke-and-mirrors reason for behaviour that actually has no real reason.
It’s the constant checking that makes me wish she was older, makes me know that I would have made the exact opposite decision about whether to send her, if only I had known. So far, every year, I’ve found myself checking for averages, looking for milestones, wondering and questioning if she is in the right place at the right time, if she’s old enough to handle what school life is throwing at her. Each year I wonder, did we make the right decision a year ago, two years ago, three, four… five?
Lottie is in Year 4 this year and rather than diminish, this checking-in has ramped up a notch. Max started high school this year at 12-and-three-quarters; Arabella will start next year at 12-and-a-half. And Lottie… Lottie will be 11 when she starts. In fact, she’ll be 11 for months and months while other kids turn 13. That gap feels like the biggest yet, but I know that the 13 to 15 year gap will feel even bigger and don’t even get me started on 16 and 18 gap. The thought of a 16-year-old making 18-year-old decisions is enough to cause a mother heart palpitations.
Five years ago we angst over the decision about whether to send our daughter to school early or late, and for five years so far we’ve questioned that decision so often my head spins. This year we are facing another huge decision: should our daughter repeat a year or not?
Fact is, I wish we’d just kept onto her for another year when she was four. It would have solved so many problems and, really, if my experience with our son is anything to go by, it would have created not a single one.
Do you have any regrets about your kids starting school too early?
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